Swallowing Vomit: Say What You Mean

Today I read an article that really rocked my socks and spawned a thoughtstorm around how often we don't say what we mean.  On Crazy Sexy Life, guest blogger Heather Collins Molina wrote about how frequently we use the words I'm sorry when they are the wrong words for the situation and how apologizing for simply moving about in the world might affect us. 

That got me thinking about what we say and, more importantly, whether we mean it or not.

I brought the idea of saying sorry and not meaning it to my eighth graders today.  They had a ton of stories to tell of how they'd felt when they'd been coerced to say I'm sorry when they did not mean it.  They did it to avoid conflict, to please parents, to get something they wanted.  And to a person, they all felt slimed after doing it, like they'd, "swallowed vomit," as one girl put it.

The problem goes beyond I'm sorry.  Any time we hold back trying to guess what the other person wants to hear or how to put things so we can get our way or avoid conflict, we are sacrificing who we are on the altar of others' preferences.

Say What You Mean to Say

Today's message is simple:  Say what you mean.  Say only what you really, truly, cross-your-heart-and-hope-to-die mean.  Doing so liberates you from that sick feeling you get when you back off, when you tell little white lies to avoid others' displeasure.  When you compromise to be nice.

Saying only what you mean is an act of war, make no mistake about it.  It eschews the warning shot across the bow and launches a fiery cannonball straight at the hull of social convention. 

You might feel uncomfortable at first, as if you're wearing woolen underwear or have one of those dagnabbit clothing tags digging at the nape of your neck.  You have been trained to be nice, to participate in certain social niceties, and shifting to authenticity chafes a bit at first, for you and whoever is on the receiving end of your speech.

Not an Excuse for a Shitstorm of Ugliness

Saying what you mean does not mean being rude or unloading every thought in your head, like when you say, "I'm sorry but," and you really mean, "You can suck it." 

It is speaking with specificity and without qualifiers, letting your opinions and preferences hang out there butt nekkid as if it's the most natural thing on earth. 

It is about speaking consciously, deliberately, bravely.  Making sure your words have authentic meaning and integrity.

I'm not saying this is easy, even with those we are most intimate with.  When my husband and I were estranged, we were also fortunately in marriage counseling.  The biggest revelation I walked away with was how often we did not communicate directly.  Then, when the one of us failed to psychically intuit what the other one really wanted,  we acted like overtired toddlers, all pissy and passive aggressive.  It was communication through smoke signals.

He'd say it was okay if I didn't attend an extended family function.  (It wasn't.)

I'd say sure, I'd love to go to the party where I didn't know a soul. (Um yeah, for someone suffering from intense social anxiety at the time, that was totally true.  Not.  I'd usually end up making myself physically ill so I had an out.)

While we were in recovery, I spent hours listening and relistening to John Mayer's, "Say."  Over and over and over, until it became my new mantra.  I had to learn how to speak directly to my husband, to communicate my preferences, opinions and needs openly and to let go of the outcome.  Doing so was a hairy edge for me, but as I had nearly lost my marriage by poor communication skills, I had already faced the worst case scenario.  I had nothing to lose.

Telling the truth is an act of liberation. 

It frees you from the fear of what others might think and roots you in reality.

You deal with what is instead of what might be.

Exercise Your Bravery Muscle

Speaking truthfully, mindfully, requires bravery you may not feel at first.  I didn't.  But, like any muscle, with exercise you will grow stronger and it will get easier.  Spending time in your power, not hiding who you are, tends to inspire you to do more than vacation there; it beckons you to make that home base so you can feel that good all the time.

It's all about personal value.  I can have my opinions, and you can have yours, and we can both still be awesome people.  What is the cost when we hide who we are or what we think?  As the Barenaked Ladies sing, "If I hide myself wherever I go, was I ever really there?"

So.

If you're not truly sorry, don't say you are.  Wait until you are or let it go.

If you don't love someone, don't say it back to them just to avoid that awkward moment. 

If someone's behavior isn't okay with you, don't tell them it is in word or deed because you're afraid they'll stop liking you/leave/talk about you behind your back.

There might be consequences.  That's okay.

Friends may pout.  Clients may leave.  Grandmothers may waggle their fingers and tsk for shame at you.  It happens.  And yet, people survive.  Nothing really tragic happens.  And you get to hold true to yourself instead of tearing little bits and pieces of yourself off to please others.

Nobody has to like or approve of what you do or say. 

In fact, no matter what you say or do, someone will be unhappy or upset~and when you compromise your integrity, too often that includes you.  If you know someone is going to get their knickers in a knot anyway, you may as well earn their disapproval through saying what you mean instead of through a tarnished, unrecognizable version of your truth.

Benefits Abound.

Meaning what you say brings freedom.  You can look people in the eye.  There's room to breathe.  You know that the people around you respect who you are and what you bring to the table.  You aren't constantly peering over your shoulder or consulting someone else on what to say to keep people on your side, all the while hating your life because you're living a lie.

Remember, you are valuable, and therefore, your opinions are valuable.  Let others think how they think; your job is to think how you think and let your speech and actions flow from there.

You can do this.  If I can do this, you can do this.  Try it out.

And, as Dr. Seuss puts it:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

The good doctor was bang on right.  Your voice is important.  Use it. 

What are your sticking points?  What holds you back from always telling the unvarnished truth?  What would make it easier to do so?  Share your thoughts in the comments!

Image:  Brandon Lim